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I AM Marie Tavernier

By MARIE TAVERNIER

30 things I’ve learnt about Myself, that I never had the guts to admit (Until Now)
  • 1. I have been on a diet since I was 8. If only they made all clothing with bell sleeves and extra cushion in mind, this process would be so much easier!
  • 2. I love to eat good food, but I don't eat it all the time because I can't be assed to cook anymore and you apparently can't eat what you want & be happy.
  • 3. I have spent 20 years fine tuning my likeability skills, this way people are less likely to judge my inside as they do my outside.
  • 4. In my quest to be liked I have attracted 'men' and 'friends' who are intent on using me for my need to please. Especially 'manchildren' who can see that I have more than they're used too and are not afraid to take what they did not create.
  • 5. Sometimes I rehearse conversations in my mind, I think it gives me more confidence and clarity; it may even be fear or control, I haven't quite figured it out yet.
  • 6. I am single mother of two, not sure why the single part is relevant (as i know many who are single in a twosome). I would like to be a mother of three, but two on my own is like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode at any given moment.
  • 7. I used to think that marriage would be the saving grace to all my guilt & shame.
  • 8. I was in a turbulent, violent, physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. When you feel low, you expect low outcomes, you ask God (the universe) for whatever will delay your pain & in doing so, what shows up will show you your pain in ways you could never imagine!
  • 9. I always know when enough is enough, trouble is i've never known why I let it happen in the first place; until now.
  • 10. I go to bed tired and wake up tired. Sometimes I feel like a purposeful zombie.

“When you feel low, you expect low outcomes, you ask God (the universe) for whatever will delay your pain & in doing so, what shows up; will show you your pain in ways you could never imagine!”

  • 11. I'm nearly three months from completing my degree and it's likely that I won't work in that industry. Apart from graduation, i'm not sure what my point was.
  • 12. I'm not financially stable and never really have been. Not even when I made lots of money in the corporate world - it was an illusion of security. What was I thinking?
  • 13. I was raised as a catholic. not sure what relevance that holds, but my belief system is tested weekly sometimes daily and nothing about my religion answers any of my questions. Faith alone keeps me grounded!
  • 14. I don't go to catholic church anymore, no offense but the atmosphere is stealth. I need music and realtalk' to bring me closer to God. That's just me.
  • 15. In 2016, i learnt that church doesn't mean safe; especially for women. word of warning: if the church is set up in a configuration of power hierarchy, the best thing to do is turn around, run for your life and never, ever look back.
  • 16. I don't understand social media and find the whole process, intrusive, mind-numbing & yet surprisingly addictive and affirming all at the same time. Here's where an emoji would be appropriate.
  • 17. My biggest joy in life, comes from the random hugs I get from my children.
  • 18. My worst habit is my addictive nature to reality competitions & lifestyle programmes, masterchef, biggest loser, say yes to the dress, grand designs - i think i'm planning for something, ( perhaps; my own grand design, in a wedding dress, whilst cooking gourmet and running a 5k) now that would be one to watch!
  • 19. I have found out that insecure people are the most judgemental, both indirectly & directly "cruel" people you will ever meet.
  • 20. Truth telling is, both scary and liberating.
  • 21. I vow to live my life with intent and have surrendered control. or at the very least, i'm working on it.
  • 22. My biggest fear is, not creating a successful and sustainable business. I must be financially secure and free = having options.
  • 23. The thought of having to work for anyone other than myself is inconceivable. Answering to their power trip demands and begging for time off with my kids, fills me with gut wrenching terror!!
  • 24. I am extremely loyal.
  • 25. One of my biggest downfalls is, not giving myself enough time to fully discover who i'm giving my loyalty too.
  • 26. My life is a mirrored pattern of generational mistakes & challenges.
  • 27. I naturally gravitate toward, people who have experienced a similar pain to my own - rejection.
  • 28. I am terrified of my daughters making the same mistakes. I know it is my responsibility to teach them, why and how to do & be better.
  • 29. My weight issue, is a manifestation of pain and rejection from seasons past & present. It is a thick layer of protection from outside hurt. It is a double edged sword and it is time to let it go!
  • 30. I miss seeking council in the presence of my grandmother, she appreciated me. I thank her for making my mother, who made me. That is true love.

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